Thy Will be Done

“I’m so confused, I know I heard You loud and clear.”

…

This song lyric perfectly describes my life in this exact moment and I don’t quite know how I feel about that, to be honest. Over the last couple of weeks a plethora of things have changed in my life and those who are close to me have heard all about the changes, big and small, multiple times. Just a short taste of the big ones: I moved back into the dorms, I quit two jobs, I dropped a class and there are a lot of things that have changed in my heart, soul, and mind.

…

For the last month or so Hillary Scott’s song, Thy Will has basically been on repeat in my heart. A couple of weeks ago, I found myself in a conversation with God…well, by conversation I mean this is how it actually went:

• I asked God what He wanted me to do.
• God told me what to do.
• I asked if He was sure because I thought had a “better” idea.
• I tried hard to negotiate.
• I failed in my attempt at negotiation.
• I did what He told me to do in the first place even though it was incredibly rough

So here’s the thing. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did what God was calling me to do. But in this particular moment, I am so incredibly confused. I feel like I made the wrong choice. Some moments, I feel like I am on a dead end road and that I need to turn around; but then I hear God’s still small voice reminding me that I am on the right path. It is so hard to not lose my faith in moments of questioning and doubt.

…

So what do I do?

…

Literally every single time I try to pray recently, it all ends with the same four words, “Thy will be done.” I genuinely feel like Hillary Scott read my mind and she wrote a song based on my thoughts. There seem to be more moments of struggling and doubt than there are of faith and trust and admitting that is incredibly hard, but it is reality.

…

Here are the lyrics to the song “Thy Will”:

I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

…

Literally, this song is the cry of my heart and I know He see me and He hears me, but sometimes in moments like this particular one, I feel alone. But in the dark moments, I try to pray and honestly the only thing I feel is hurt and frustration and the only words that come to me are “Thy will be done.” Yes, this is what the song says, but this is also the reality of my life.

…

I know that God loves me and that He is for me and because of that, nothing in this world can stand against me. I know that He is working all things together for the good of those who love Him. I know that God has chosen me and that He has a plan for my life. I know all of these things. But in these moments, all of that knowledge literally does nothing for me. So in the moments of not feeling Him and not knowing what to do, I will simply continue to do the only thing I am capable of: pray this prayer.

Thy will be done.

I painted this a few nights ago and it was so therapeutic.